Tails or Tales…

i saw him; twice… he walked in looking like he owns the place, like he usually does. this time i saw something different in his eyes. i saw sadness, sorrow, disappointment, heartbroken. i knew he was serious, but not this serious… the look we shared, told me only one thing, he was very much affected by the relationship that we had.

as much as i want to reach out to him, to comfort him, to show him that i still care, to tell him that everything will be alright, to tell him that i’ll support him, i resisted. it wasn’t right. he placed himself in that position. i gave him his chance, he lost it. not that i don’t want to give him a second chance, but it’s just that his baggage to heavy to carry. he won’t let it go anyways..

as my feelings for him faded months ago, so did the love, and when i finally broke off with him, i was standing strong. many thought that it was a rebound for the previous man i had, but in actual fact, it wasn’t. i did love him; i did feel that he was ‘the one’. yes, i believe in ‘the one’.. i believe that there is that someone out there who is equally the one for you as you are to that person. everyone has a pair, its just finding your equal half, and when you have found that ‘one’, magic will spark.

he was the man that i felt really comfortable being with, someone that was willing to show me his weak side as well as his strength. he was someone that i know i can ‘grow’ with, with his maturity, his experience, his wisdom, his energy. though he’s not the romantic type, yet he could provide me the emotional, mental and physical support that i crave for, and i know that i can support him just the same.

financial support is no longer the issue in most relationships / marriage today. women today are more independent and can stand on their own two feet. therefore, when it comes to looking for the equal half, it’s the ‘other’ supports that they look for, a man that they can stand eye to eye and still feel vulnerable at the same time.

he is either ‘the one’, or a very good example of ‘the one’ that will come into my life in future…

to describe how my weekend was is like describing the rollercoaster ride of emotions and energy.

pat, my couz, was passing through msia before returnin to melbourne. i was taken by surprised when my aunt called to tell me he was in town. so of course, i would schedule my plans to accomodate meeting him as we have not seen each other or kept in touch for the last 3 years.

pat is much older than i am, so back then, i was still a brat, a kid. this was our first time actually going out as adults, mature independent adults. it was a very bizarre feeling for me, cause i’ve always looked at him like a very much older brother. it felt good, cause this time we clicked on a different level.

fri nite, after my rotaract meeting, and a farewell gathering, i rushed to bangsar to see my couz and the rest of my relatives who came out that nite. naturally we were in bar flams (where else for me, in bangsar). few of my friends that saw pat, and one came up to me and said, "dear, don’t forget yar, i’m single and available". i cracked up and said, sorry, very much taken (though now i’m not too sure)

trey and i were at bangkok jazz on sat nite, as i had a business meeting there. we didn’t know leonard tan was singing and ended up stayin for the show as well. though we didn’t book a table, and the place was fully booked, i still managed to get a table (the power of contacts) under the spotlight. no wonder that table was not taken. wat a sucker i was.. hahahahaha. we had a great time listening to love songs, jazz renditions, soul music, etc and feeling all romantic and sentimental. leonard, the cheeky fella, dedicated a song to trey n i, entitled "put your head on my shoulders", leaving the both of us smittened and blushing scarlett.

after the show, pat, trey, vi (another friend that joined us at bangkok jazz after) and i went to qbar to drink somemore. by this time, i already had about 6-7 bottles of heineken. a little tipsy but still walking straight.

i’ve always known that vi likes me, but wat i never expected is that he has harboured those feelings for me for the last two years. talk bout crushes… alcohol got the better of my judgment and we started snogging. a mistake, i must admit, as i have no feelings for him. and so i told him the very next day. trey and pat were flirting outrageously. the whole nite was cheekiness and flirts.

after my 8 bottle, i suddenly got up and puked in the fountain. some fella took away my glasses, thinking that i would drop it in. moron. i would have taken it off myself if it was the type tat would slip off. i might have been tipsy, but i sure as hell was not blur. with all the commotion going on that nite, i lost my fav pair of glasses tinted to look like shades, cool enough to walk into a club with, yet enough for me to drive at nite with. took me 2 hours plus to chose that pair. and it really had sentimental values for me :((

the next day, after spending some time wondering how to tell vi that i don’t actually like him, and it was definitely the alcohol that was doing all the talk and lip service, i finally broke it to him (to my shame, via sms. real coward, i know) he understood *i hope*

met up with chuck and kimi on sunday eve bout some business that i was having one major migraine about. not something i can just drop, cause its family, but one that i know one day i have to work it out anyhow. thanks for the advice guys, it really put things into perspective for me. i knew i asked the right fellas for help and advice.

chuck : again, i repeat, i mayb a dancer, but i’m one hell of a klutz. btw, my energy was incredibly distracted that nite, so that why i was not really ‘watching’ where i was going. sorry lah, at least u didn’t need to catch me rite.. i can still find my balance and land in grace. must remember to add the double pirouttes when i trip the next time :p

by now, i could feel my exhaustion level creeping up my spine, cause earlier part of saturday, i went for trey’s class at the gym and spent another 2 over hours working those flabby muscles. still i was stubborn and went to luna bar to meet my couz again. by the time i got home at 2am, i just knocked out had a dreamless nite.

spent the rest of the afternoon on monday going shopping with pat before he flew off that evening. true metrosexual. love your sense of style and dressing. just that next time, i hope it’ll be your turn to drag me out of stores :p it was great seeing you and spending time together. hope to see u at the end of the year, by then, i hope u have more time.

during the nite, after an interview, trey n i were sitting down at the mamak concluding our stories bout the weekend. both of us felt that we had some closure made on sunday. we’re opening new doors.. both feeling that our energy is very distracted and needs to be trained and controlled to focus *again, i hope*

wat a weekend, wat a family, wat a life, wat friends… wouldn’t have had it any other way.. i’m lovin it

trey is not my lover, yet trey is the love of my life. our affair has been on-going for the last decade and will continue till we grow old and wilted. for many who regard me as the close friend / best friends, yet no one has ever known who trey really is. trey and i are so similar yet so different, we’re like twins. the way we understand each other, ppl tend to wonder whether if we were a couple.

trey is neither female or male to me, but my only true friend who understands me to the core of my soul. my best friends will know me, how i feel, what i hold dear in my heart, but not my soul. no, trey is not my imagination either. trey is real, though far apart sometimes, yet we’re are closer at heart than most ppl i know. at one point though, a jealous partner of mine has cause trey and i to break up, however today ppl do not know that we are already back together.

trey, u know our song, i sing it with you. will we continue walking the streets to sober up and be merry after our drinks

‘bitch’ came down from ipoh on thurs nite. the plans to go to genting was foiled as he arrived really late and someone needed to work the next day, and someone was complaining bout the dangers of driving up after a rainy afternoon. oh well, it was good as we were all tired anyways.

since i was no longer working on fri, i took the bitch out and had pool and beer in the noon. well, we’re kinda the same in skills, though i must say i need more polishing. after the loo break, my form just all went amok..

during the nite at bar flams, it was a gathering unlike that i’ve seen. this must be all because of the bitch lah.. so popular, both guys and gals wanna see the bitch. hahahaha.. oh wait, must also be because i kept excitedly telling ppl that the bitch was in town.. though not everyone knew, especially the ones that we didn’t want to know :p hehe..

bitch : stop confusing me with chibik! i’m the chubuk lah :p

on another note though, the whole of friday, i just had this bad vibe, negative feeling that something really nasty was going to happen. i wasn’t the only one feeling it, jenn and nicole felt it too. i didn’t get sloshed at flams, just really tired and couldn’t exactly keep my eyes open, and the fact was that i refuse to drive that nite. fortunately chuck sent me back early as he too had to work the next day. the rest of the gang was up till bloody 4am singing "why were you born so beautiful? oh why were you born at all?" some rotaract spirit huh!!

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trey n i were discussing while shopping on saturday, that we felt like we were 24 going on 42. both still young yet both have gone through a shit load in life to feel like this. the lovers, the work, the passion and hate..

both of us so similar yet so different. trey, u know i’ll always love you, and even if we break up again, fate will definitely bring us back together like it this this time around. i know u don’t have access to the net that often, not do u even read my blog, but i hope somehow, u can ‘feel’ the message that i’m sending to u. you probably can anyways, knowing when i’m feeling down or when i’m feeling high. we share that energy alot, hoping to balance and bounce it off one another.

though u missed our outing on fri to intro you to the great friends i’ve met during ryla, no worries as there will always be another day. the bitch will be down in january again.. or mayb we can even make a trip up to ipoh. sorry our genting trip can’t be realised though, mayb next year we can go to bali for another retreat.. would definitely have love to go with you this year, unfortunately, my financial situation does not permit me to. definitely saving for next year though..

"define boringly stupid : sitting in the office like an idiot, writing nonsensical sentences to catch other’s attention, while everyone is away on company trip enjoying themselves.. *bleh* "

that was last friday.. when after posting this, i left the office for a more productive time at the mamak in bangsar *double bleh*

tomorrow, at this very time, i will no longer be a staff at where i’m working at. toady have been pretty somber, considering that i just got back from a farewell lunch with my team. tomorro, i’ll be my own boss, so to speak. wish me luck, gonna need loads of it to make my own money and all.. if i make it, will definitely not forget the ones who have been supporting me throughout.

mind you, today my england very the powderful. feeling my energy going low.. thank god got tonite to look forward to. working on a presentation to rotary on our ryla reports. yes, i know, no money, so wat. as long as i’m doing something i enjoy, doesn’t really matter.. rather than being boringly stupid in the office.

since i tendered my resignation, i’ve not been given much work, considering the fact that i’m in the servicing line, that if i service the client, i’m gonna have to follow everything through rite.

gawd, wish i could get a drink now :p been sober for too long already. alcohol tolerance level kinda high now.. wish was like before, where 2-3 glasses is enough. and besides, can save money also..

heated up the dance floor. fogged up the windows. feeling blissful.